Thursday, June 28, 2012

Garden and Ass Kicking Update.

I'm kicking my own ass, not anyone else's.  22 lbs lost in the last 3 months - that's in addition to the the 40-50 lbs of preg weight that I had to lose with each kid.  Yes that much - go big or go home people.  So I've lost at least one Olsen twin

by my own mix of somewhat-veganism, Jillian Michaels, and running.  It has been tough as balls.  And made me really mad at the people who lose weight and you ask how they did it and they're all "Oh I just stopped drinking soda."  First of all, how much soda was your fat ass drinking; second of all I hate you because my body wants to make sure all my internal organs are really, reaaallllllyyy well padded and it would never let go of precious fat that easily.  I'm working on getting the last 10 lbs off right now and toning the stomach that hauled two 8+ lb babies around and my body is desperately trying to make sure my intestines keep their highly important M&M and wine padding.

Onto .... ze garden

It's funny to me the way the garden evolved this year.  Even though it's only 18ft I rotated where everything was planted, and tried garlic and carrots which I've never grown before.  I don't know if my garden is planted on top of fertilizer-rich murder victims or I just am super lucky but everything is going CA-RAZY.  I thought I was being super proactive getting my pea supports up early (metal stakes with plastic mesh fencing strung across)  these babies are 3 feet tall.  And then my peas grew straight up and over and across their neighbors.  From last year where I only got enough peas for a handful a day, I'm picking half a basket every other day.  The carrots took a while but are now producing regularly (we planted heirloom Danvers carrots) and the garlic was SO easy.

 I'm going to give you the super simple dummy proof way to grow garlic and use it.  You ready?  OK.  Go to the store - any store that sells garlic.  It does not have to be organic or pesticide free or whatever.  Get two big bulbs and break it apart into cloves and plant the cloves, pointy side up, in rows right before the first frost of the fall.  In the spring you'll see what look like spring onions shooting up from them.  Then they will develop little flowers, called scapes

Aren't they pretty?  I kept them in a vase on the windowsill.  And they are completely edible and have a mild garlic taste to them, so chop them up, stem and all, and use them where you would use green onions or garlic. 

Now you just have to wait for your garlic stalks to turn brown and look dead-ish.  Then you dig up the garlic and braid the stalks

And then hang it up.  Feel free to point out to anyone who comes into your house that you may indeed be the craftiest bitch, ever.

Still trying to re-fabulize the blog (ahem JEN) and work on getting back up to speed with all my bloggy lovahhhs.  I am reading your posts, I'm just too busy braiding garlic to comment.  Bear with me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Hay What's Up With Your Totally F-ing Jacked Blog?

  Oooooohhhh you know, just that Blogger has decided to charge you from now on if you try to upload new images for your header or anything else.  So this is just one jacked-up looking blog until I figure this shit out.  It looks awful and I apologize, but honestly every time I try to fix it I would get so frustrated I'd log onto Pinterest instead, and that's not productive so instead I am giving you a post about Jen. Jen is the original MT blogger-design-thingy diva and my BFF from way back.  Jen is funny as hell and is raising two kids by herself and working full time and being a domestic goddess.  AND bailing me out of my self-constructed blog crisis.  She had to be difficult and move to Florida though, so my only means of harassing her now is through phone, text, or IM.  I was trying to find a recipe she IM'ed me a while ago and ended up reading through all of our past IM's and laughing so hard I did this weird snorty thing, so I am sharing some highlights with you.  Enjoy.  I've left the typos.   me: just held lil tiny one month old baby
  so effing cute
and so nice to hand him back the minute he started crying
Jen: No joke...I'm so done with kids
me: I'll drink to that   me: Hi, I'm a fegan. That would be the word for a faux-vegan
 Jen: Sounds like a lord if the rings character
me: I am Fegan the Undecided, I shall pillage your veggies and maybe sneak a bite of sausage   me:Veep line fromt onight to spice things up :
  you know what the fuck I mean
  "Really, have you met most people, Amy? cause I have, and most of them are fucking idiots"
Julia L.D. speaks the truths.
 Jen: Never correct yourself with me, i have my lydia to English dictionary with me always
me: it is most handy and littered with profanity.
  *and slutty
 Jen: Way smitty
Auto correct didn't like slutty
  It's judgmental
  and yet you are an excellent judge of character
Jen: It refuses to let me type shitr
 me: Type "shiite" maybe you're talking about kurdish rebels.
 are they?
  is that true?
  goddamnit brain, you come up with weird facts   me: uuughhhhh SB just heated up his lunch and I would swear on a box of wine it smells like a bucket of rotten vegetables
 Jen: it probably is...well fermented anyway
me: so nasty
 Jen: speaks the woman who ate a baby sheep on a stick and muched up chick peas
 me: Baby sheep are delicious, don't step   me: Lookatcha with teh wedding pinboard :-)
  i love it
 Jen: oh thats me planning for Thing 1
 me: worse comes to worse we'll throw ourselves really big elaborate parties
 Jen: ive gone off marriage
  we can have theme parties
me: And have registries and everything
  and everyone will be contractually obligated to look worse than us
Jen: yeah, we can tell them its a troll and goblin party and we can dress as sexy fiaries or something
 me: Slutty faeries
 Jen: i pretty much have it all worked out in my head
me: I'm only undecided on teh proper # of man-slaves to carry us in
 Jen: never too many, thats my thought  Jen also has forever bad-ass-ness status because after I was all about how great rats are for pets she got two for her kids and then **this** happened   Jen: Dude, just got home from 1 night over at Dude's house
  and one of the rats ate the other one
  like from the side, all the guts and stuff
Jen: we gave them lots of food before we left too
 me: Have you considered the possibility that your house is built on an Indian burial ground?  I mean, seriously.  Who has that happen to them?    Jen: ok so cannibal rat is like super rat
 me: did it wrestle a rattlesnake to death?
Jen: hes doing tricks now
  i think he killed the other one because it was inferior
 Me: you need to rename the rat cage Thunderdome  She also is a vegan.  A vegan WHO BAKES.  And makes really yummy amazing things that even non-vegans would eat.  me:I hate that for every "motivation to exercise" pin there's like 10 recipes of the worst junk food
  like cookie batter brownie bites with snickers topped with marshmallow fluff
  I just made that up but now I want ti
 Jen: i think i just went into a diabetic coma reading it
 me: but you're drooling too, right?
 Jen: maybe a little
 havent had snickers or fluff in a dogs age
  cookies and brownies....guilty!
coming up on my 9 month vegan anniversary
me: Vagaversary?
  Jen: vagwho?
 me: vagyourmama
 Jen: your momma so fat she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish

Jen: got that sunabitch IUD out yesterday
me: OMG ... I will say a rosary for your ladybits. You OK?
 Jen: fine now, but damn near kicked my dr in his face
 me: The WORST
 Jen: it was implanted in the UPPER PART OF MY UTERUS!!
what the fuckity fuck fuck
 me: Ugh ... my butthole just puckered for you
 Jen: yeah, it was nasty
  me: Only date snipped men
  it can be the lithmus test to see if they scare easily
Jen: not bad... "hi, your cute, are you shooting blanks? ok lets go out"
 me: While rocking some cleavage, don't get me wrong  me: ugh, pinterest is being a whore
 Jen: it's a pinstitute
does it have a pinp
 me: ba-dum-chingggggg thanks folks she'll be here all week  And that my lovaaahhhhhhs is the awesomeness of my Jen.  You can't have her so find your own.  But you can read her blog here and get inspired by her super awesome fantabulousness.  Peace, Love, Pinterest & Pimps. 
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