Garden and Ass Kicking Update.

I'm kicking my own ass, not anyone else's.  22 lbs lost in the last 3 months - that's in addition to the the 40-50 lbs of preg weight that I had to lose with each kid.  Yes that much - go big or go home people.  So I've lost at least one Olsen twin

by my own mix of somewhat-veganism, Jillian Michaels, and running.  It has been tough as balls.  And made me really mad at the people who lose weight and you ask how they did it and they're all "Oh I just stopped drinking soda."  First of all, how much soda was your fat ass drinking; second of all I hate you because my body wants to make sure all my internal organs are really, reaaallllllyyy well padded and it would never let go of precious fat that easily.  I'm working on getting the last 10 lbs off right now and toning the stomach that hauled two 8+ lb babies around and my body is desperately trying to make sure my intestines keep their highly important M&M and wine padding.

Onto .... ze garden

It's funny to me the way the garden evolved this year.  Even though it's only 18ft I rotated where everything was planted, and tried garlic and carrots which I've never grown before.  I don't know if my garden is planted on top of fertilizer-rich murder victims or I just am super lucky but everything is going CA-RAZY.  I thought I was being super proactive getting my pea supports up early (metal stakes with plastic mesh fencing strung across)  these babies are 3 feet tall.  And then my peas grew straight up and over and across their neighbors.  From last year where I only got enough peas for a handful a day, I'm picking half a basket every other day.  The carrots took a while but are now producing regularly (we planted heirloom Danvers carrots) and the garlic was SO easy.

 I'm going to give you the super simple dummy proof way to grow garlic and use it.  You ready?  OK.  Go to the store - any store that sells garlic.  It does not have to be organic or pesticide free or whatever.  Get two big bulbs and break it apart into cloves and plant the cloves, pointy side up, in rows right before the first frost of the fall.  In the spring you'll see what look like spring onions shooting up from them.  Then they will develop little flowers, called scapes

Aren't they pretty?  I kept them in a vase on the windowsill.  And they are completely edible and have a mild garlic taste to them, so chop them up, stem and all, and use them where you would use green onions or garlic. 

Now you just have to wait for your garlic stalks to turn brown and look dead-ish.  Then you dig up the garlic and braid the stalks

And then hang it up.  Feel free to point out to anyone who comes into your house that you may indeed be the craftiest bitch, ever.

Still trying to re-fabulize the blog (ahem JEN) and work on getting back up to speed with all my bloggy lovahhhs.  I am reading your posts, I'm just too busy braiding garlic to comment.  Bear with me.

Hay What's Up With Your Totally F-ing Jacked Blog?

  Oooooohhhh you know, just that Blogger has decided to charge you from now on if you try to upload new images for your header or anything else.  So this is just one jacked-up looking blog until I figure this shit out.  It looks awful and I apologize, but honestly every time I try to fix it I would get so frustrated I'd log onto Pinterest instead, and that's not productive so instead I am giving you a post about Jen. Jen is the original MT blogger-design-thingy diva and my BFF from way back.  Jen is funny as hell and is raising two kids by herself and working full time and being a domestic goddess.  AND bailing me out of my self-constructed blog crisis.  She had to be difficult and move to Florida though, so my only means of harassing her now is through phone, text, or IM.  I was trying to find a recipe she IM'ed me a while ago and ended up reading through all of our past IM's and laughing so hard I did this weird snorty thing, so I am sharing some highlights with you.  Enjoy.  I've left the typos.   me: just held lil tiny one month old baby

  so effing cute

and so nice to hand him back the minute he started crying

Jen: No joke...I'm so done with kids

me: I'll drink to that   me: Hi, I'm a fegan. That would be the word for a faux-vegan

 Jen: Sounds like a lord if the rings character

me: I am Fegan the Undecided, I shall pillage your veggies and maybe sneak a bite of sausage   me:Veep line fromt onight to spice things up :

  *tonight

  you know what the fuck I mean

  "Really, have you met most people, Amy? cause I have, and most of them are fucking idiots"

Julia L.D. speaks the truths.

 Jen: Never correct yourself with me, i have my lydia to English dictionary with me always

me: it is most handy and littered with profanity.

  *and slutty

 Jen: Way smitty

  Slutty

Auto correct didn't like slutty

  It's judgmental

 me: YOU DON'T KNOW ME AUTOCORRECT

  and yet you are an excellent judge of character

Jen: It refuses to let me type shitr

  S

  H

  I

  T

 me: Type "shiite" maybe you're talking about kurdish rebels.

 are they?

  wait

  is that true?

  goddamnit brain, you come up with weird facts   me: uuughhhhh SB just heated up his lunch and I would swear on a box of wine it smells like a bucket of rotten vegetables

 Jen: it probably is...well fermented anyway

me: so nasty

 Jen: speaks the woman who ate a baby sheep on a stick and muched up chick peas

 me: Baby sheep are delicious, don't step   me: Lookatcha with teh wedding pinboard :-)

  i love it

 Jen: oh thats me planning for Thing 1

 me: worse comes to worse we'll throw ourselves really big elaborate parties

 Jen: ive gone off marriage

  we can have theme parties

me: And have registries and everything

  and everyone will be contractually obligated to look worse than us

Jen: yeah, we can tell them its a troll and goblin party and we can dress as sexy fiaries or something

 me: Slutty faeries

 Jen: i pretty much have it all worked out in my head

me: I'm only undecided on teh proper # of man-slaves to carry us in

 Jen: never too many, thats my thought  Jen also has forever bad-ass-ness status because after I was all about how great rats are for pets she got two for her kids and then **this** happened   Jen: Dude, just got home from 1 night over at Dude's house

  and one of the rats ate the other one

  like from the side, all the guts and stuff

 me: OH MY HELL

Jen: we gave them lots of food before we left too

 me: Have you considered the possibility that your house is built on an Indian burial ground?  I mean, seriously.  Who has that happen to them?    Jen: ok so cannibal rat is like super rat

 me: did it wrestle a rattlesnake to death?

Jen: hes doing tricks now

  i think he killed the other one because it was inferior

 Me: you need to rename the rat cage Thunderdome  She also is a vegan.  A vegan WHO BAKES.  And makes really yummy amazing things that even non-vegans would eat.  me:I hate that for every "motivation to exercise" pin there's like 10 recipes of the worst junk food

  like cookie batter brownie bites with snickers topped with marshmallow fluff

  I just made that up but now I want ti

 *it

 Jen: i think i just went into a diabetic coma reading it

 me: but you're drooling too, right?

 Jen: maybe a little

 havent had snickers or fluff in a dogs age

  cookies and brownies....guilty!

coming up on my 9 month vegan anniversary

me: Vagaversary?

  Vegaversary

  vagina?what?

  Jen: vagwho?

 me: vagyourmama

 Jen: your momma so fat she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish

 

Jen: got that sunabitch IUD out yesterday

me: OMG ... I will say a rosary for your ladybits. You OK?

 Jen: fine now, but damn near kicked my dr in his face

 me: The WORST

 Jen: it was implanted in the UPPER PART OF MY UTERUS!!

what the fuckity fuck fuck

 me: Ugh ... my butthole just puckered for you

 Jen: yeah, it was nasty

  me: Only date snipped men

  it can be the lithmus test to see if they scare easily

Jen: not bad... "hi, your cute, are you shooting blanks? ok lets go out"

 me: While rocking some cleavage, don't get me wrong  me: ugh, pinterest is being a whore

 Jen: it's a pinstitute

does it have a pinp

 me: ba-dum-chingggggg thanks folks she'll be here all week  And that my lovaaahhhhhhs is the awesomeness of my Jen.  You can't have her so find your own.  But you can read her blog here and get inspired by her super awesome fantabulousness.  Peace, Love, Pinterest & Pimps.