Friday, January 20, 2012

Why The Mister Is Fired From Taking Pictures of Me.

This post is dedicated to the return of the crazy bitch who I love so dearly, Miss Hippy Jersey Devil.  As Marlin said to Nemo (it's been a long week) You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo.  You can't walk away from your loyal followers so get your little fishy butt back in the ocean.  Let's pretend that made sense and move on.

I had a request - no, really - for more recipes on the blog and I was trying to be accommodating and take pictures, but I just went through my pics and honestly they're not that good.  See?

This was something called "Lentil Butter" which, confusingly, contained no butter.  It was a mix of beans and lentils that were soaked overnight, then mixed with carmelized onion, tomato, red curry, fresh ground ginger and s&p.  Very tasty, but not very pretty

This was the bread I made to go with it.  I'm trying to get rid of as many funky materials as I can from my kitchen - plastic, teflon, etc.  and use my cast iron skillets exclusively.  This was a basic french bread recipe cooked in the skillet, and it was oh-my-god amazing

But again, picture is not great.  And yes my oven is honestly that in need of cleaning.
I was thinking it's time to switch up my profile picture so I looked through to see if there are any decent shots of me.  The problem is, the only one who takes pictures of me are the Mister, and this is what he comes up with :
Do you see me?

Now I'm all the way in the picture but unfortunately I also look pregnant.
No makeup on after staying up til midnight playing Santa
Everyone wants a picture of themself eating breakfast with no bra on, miright ladies?
Ok there was one.  I have to hand it to him.  I won't mention my shiny forehead.

Luckily he's got other things going for him.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Not Annoying Me: A Handy Users Guide

There I was, innocently sitting at me desk when Smelly Boss feels the need to give me a blow-by-blow, in-depth account of passing his kidney stone.  When he started using hand gestures I looked down and started furiously typing ("Agenda for NMAJIDGHSIUHFSIOUJIOWUIOWEUIR") and he still didn't get the hint. 
This man is repulsive on every sensory level.

I consider myself pretty patient but it is true that after Mooch was born my patience percentages are as follows:
90% - kids
5% - Mister
5% - the whole rest of the world

Feel free to copy and paste or respond with what annoys YOU.  Really, we are doing a public service and preventing violence.

Telling Me About Intestinal Distress, Tumors, Growths, And Other Gnarliness Unless I Have Specifically Asked

 I have two kids.  I've been puked on, peed on, etc.  This doesn't mean I want to hear about your stomach issues or your latest period.  The golden rule is unless you are so close to me that I've watched you pee in an alleyway behind a bar (ahem Anna) or have seriously offered to dispose of your ex-husband if need be (ahem Jen), I don't want to hear it. 
Offenders : S.B., Mister (dude I have to sleep with you), that girl in the changing room next to me at Target giving a blow-by-blow account over the phone of her latest OBGYN visit really loudly.

Trying To Reprimand My Children When I'm Standing Right There

  I can say that my kids aren't always perfect, but almost everyone who meets them remarks on what good manners they have.  This is because they know Mama will bite their heads off if they ever act like little shits in public.  I'm on the slightly old-school strict end of parenting - I don't beat them or anything obviously but they know I don't mess around.  Therefor if you are standing right next to me and one of my kids does something slightly off, you can bet I'm going to say something to them.  This is where you KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT.  Unless they are lighting off fireworks while smoking cigarettes while I am sitting back doing nothing, you don't correct other people's kids. 
**However** I admit I have corrected other people's kids in the following circumstances: kids at the park who have hit mine or done something else directly dangerous to mine while their mothers either were paying absolutely zero attention or didn't correct them. 
Offenders: several former friends (notice the "former" part), and my OWN FATHER!  Oh, old dude.

Being Overly Vocal About How Great Your Religion Is

These people come from EVERY religion and belief.  Unless I have asked you about your religion, which I wouldn't do unless I know you really well, please don't assume I want to know all about it complete with implications that I'm going to hell because I'm not in it and wow you better hurry and start going to my church RIGHT NOW.  If your religion is so great than show me how amazingly happy it makes you or how it inspires you to be a better person.  And please don't assume that because I don't talk about my beliefs, that I have none.  
Offenders: Several family members, several MOMS club members

This Could Make Up It's Own Post : Vague Bitchy Posts on FB

The vague threatening posts about how you always get revenge or about how someone better watch themselves make you look like a douchenozzle of the highest level.  Do. Not.
Offenders:  Too many, you guys.

Not Using Your Horn While Driving

Not all the time - but seriously that guy who didn't turn on the green light needs to know how wrong he is.  And as a Masshole driver it's widely acknowledged that I'm a better driver than 98.9% of the entire world, so I'm educating him.  He needs to know he's wrong and it's my job to tell him.  Some people who have forgotten this basic logic (The Mister) say that the horn is only for extreme situations but it doesn't matter because they are wrong.
Offenders: The Mister, that lady who didn't honk at that guy who waited til the last minute to get in the turning lane and cut her off.

Chewing With Your Mouth Open, Or Talking With Food In Your Mouth

My sisters are yelling "A-freaking-men!" at their screens right now.  I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it.  I swear to god I will stab you right in your stupid face with a fork, it's that icky to me.  *shudder*
Offenders: S.B. in a big, fat, disgusting way and way too many other people.  EWW.

Someone Who Doesn't Have Kids Complaining To Someone Who Does Have Kids About How Tired They Are

No, no you're not that tired, and I swear when you do have kids and you experience crushing exhaustion you'll want to go back and slap yourself in the face like I'm about to do right now.
Offenders: Every.  Freaking.  Grad student.

Saying "I Wish I Could Do _____"

Guess what - everyone has to learn almost everything.  Unless you dream of being an Olympic high-jumper but sadly have no legs.  Sorry but I don't think that can be fixed - or maybe it can, prosthetics are amazing these days.  No one is born knowing how to cook or garden or fix a tire.
 Offenders: Sadly, lots.

I am absolutely sure I will think of more - the learning never stops, people!
And now something that does the opposite of annoy me - slightly obsessed with Gotye right now.  Enjoy.


Friday, January 6, 2012

Where The Hell I've Been

Let's just not talk about the holidays and New Year's, mmkay?  It's not like they were super horribly awful, they just took effort this year.  Way to stay strong about being a douchebag right up until the end, 2011.  You can show yourself out, and take the multiple hospital visits with you.

I will give you this little gem, because what do you give the child who has ended up in the emergency room TWICE in her 2 1/2 years?
Obviously roller skates, right?
We also got a new pet right before the holidays - Mooch had been wanting a hamster since her friend got one.  I had hamsters growing up and I get why they're the "go-to" kids pet, since their poo is about as big as a grain of rice and they're all fluffy and cute.  But they're also assholes.  They bite and they're naturally nocturnal and if you wake them up to hold them (THIS IS WHY WE GOT YOU YOU FUCKING USELESS RODENT) they turn on you like Naomi Campbell and will mess you up.  No, hamsters - just no.
Wanting to be the super-awesome alpha mommy I obviously am (ahem) I told Mooch she had to research pets before she decided on one.  We googled "best pets for children" and the first two hits we got were about how hamsters are horrible pets for kids, and if you wanted to go the small animal route you should get a fancy rat. 
Sooooo ... meet Rachel the fancy rat.  Why is she fancy?  Because she isn't the type of rat who lives in a sewer.  By this definition, all of you are fancy humans.  You're welcome.

The rat is awesome.  She just hangs out on Mooch's lap, and when she walks around the rat perches on her shoulder.  The lady at the pet store has pet rats, and said that they're pretty happy with table scraps and chickweed, which we have in some of our flower beds.  We do give her rat pellets and timothy hay as well, but she loves any end parts of vegetables that would usually go right in the compost bin (except for plants in the cabbage family, which mess up their digestion)  We're keeping her a vegetarian so that we can compost the bedding that we change out of her cage, complete with droppings.  She is super clean and washes herself constantly, and only ever poops in one corner of her cage.  Rat's tails are somewhat prehensile, so she wraps it around your wrist when she's on your arm like in the picture above.  And the final point I'll bore your asses with on why you should get a pet rat - they are super cheap (around $5 usually) because the majority of them are sold as "feeder rats" to be fed to pet snakes.  Ewww, you guys.

 My little garden is STILL producing.  I pulled up the last of our beets a few weeks ago and roasted and pureed a bunch.  After one season of growing I'm a beet convert - my garden will never be without them.  Versatile and beautiful.  On January 2nd (!) I pulled up about half of what is left of our radishes

Another veggie I can't live without ever again.  Ridiculously easy to grow in these parts and so useful. 
I've planted 3 rows of garlic, one row of which has already sprouted since it's been so unseasonably warm.  My broccoli is still struggling along, and my kale plants were decimated when Zac decided to take out some digging frustration on that corner of the garden. 
I know he looks somewhat remorseful here - trust me, he's not.
I have more shit to say but honestly Smelly Boss is here and just heated up his lunch and my eyes are tearing up from the sheer disgusting RANKness of it.  Apparently yogurt fermented in a homeless man's asscrack is what's on the menu (and maybe cabbage?  What the FUCK is that smell???)  I have to go find something very important to do in another part of the building because blasting Pandora isn't getting him to close his door. 
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