Monday, January 9, 2012
Not Annoying Me: A Handy Users Guide
This man is repulsive on every sensory level.
I consider myself pretty patient but it is true that after Mooch was born my patience percentages are as follows:
90% - kids
5% - Mister
5% - the whole rest of the world
Feel free to copy and paste or respond with what annoys YOU. Really, we are doing a public service and preventing violence.
Telling Me About Intestinal Distress, Tumors, Growths, And Other Gnarliness Unless I Have Specifically Asked
I have two kids. I've been puked on, peed on, etc. This doesn't mean I want to hear about your stomach issues or your latest period. The golden rule is unless you are so close to me that I've watched you pee in an alleyway behind a bar (ahem Anna) or have seriously offered to dispose of your ex-husband if need be (ahem Jen), I don't want to hear it.
Offenders : S.B., Mister (dude I have to sleep with you), that girl in the changing room next to me at Target giving a blow-by-blow account over the phone of her latest OBGYN visit really loudly.
Trying To Reprimand My Children When I'm Standing Right There
I can say that my kids aren't always perfect, but almost everyone who meets them remarks on what good manners they have. This is because they know Mama will bite their heads off if they ever act like little shits in public. I'm on the slightly old-school strict end of parenting - I don't beat them or anything obviously but they know I don't mess around. Therefor if you are standing right next to me and one of my kids does something slightly off, you can bet I'm going to say something to them. This is where you KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT. Unless they are lighting off fireworks while smoking cigarettes while I am sitting back doing nothing, you don't correct other people's kids.
**However** I admit I have corrected other people's kids in the following circumstances: kids at the park who have hit mine or done something else directly dangerous to mine while their mothers either were paying absolutely zero attention or didn't correct them.
Offenders: several former friends (notice the "former" part), and my OWN FATHER! Oh, old dude.
Being Overly Vocal About How Great Your Religion Is
These people come from EVERY religion and belief. Unless I have asked you about your religion, which I wouldn't do unless I know you really well, please don't assume I want to know all about it complete with implications that I'm going to hell because I'm not in it and wow you better hurry and start going to my church RIGHT NOW. If your religion is so great than show me how amazingly happy it makes you or how it inspires you to be a better person. And please don't assume that because I don't talk about my beliefs, that I have none.
Offenders: Several family members, several MOMS club members
This Could Make Up It's Own Post : Vague Bitchy Posts on FB
The vague threatening posts about how you always get revenge or about how someone better watch themselves make you look like a douchenozzle of the highest level. Do. Not.
Offenders: Too many, you guys.
Not Using Your Horn While Driving
Not all the time - but seriously that guy who didn't turn on the green light needs to know how wrong he is. And as a Masshole driver it's widely acknowledged that I'm a better driver than 98.9% of the entire world, so I'm educating him. He needs to know he's wrong and it's my job to tell him. Some people who have forgotten this basic logic (The Mister) say that the horn is only for extreme situations but it doesn't matter because they are wrong.
Offenders: The Mister, that lady who didn't honk at that guy who waited til the last minute to get in the turning lane and cut her off.
Chewing With Your Mouth Open, Or Talking With Food In Your Mouth
My sisters are yelling "A-freaking-men!" at their screens right now. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it. I swear to god I will stab you right in your stupid face with a fork, it's that icky to me. *shudder*
Offenders: S.B. in a big, fat, disgusting way and way too many other people. EWW.
Someone Who Doesn't Have Kids Complaining To Someone Who Does Have Kids About How Tired They Are
No, no you're not that tired, and I swear when you do have kids and you experience crushing exhaustion you'll want to go back and slap yourself in the face like I'm about to do right now.
Offenders: Every. Freaking. Grad student.
Saying "I Wish I Could Do _____"
Guess what - everyone has to learn almost everything. Unless you dream of being an Olympic high-jumper but sadly have no legs. Sorry but I don't think that can be fixed - or maybe it can, prosthetics are amazing these days. No one is born knowing how to cook or garden or fix a tire.
Offenders: Sadly, lots.
I am absolutely sure I will think of more - the learning never stops, people!
And now something that does the opposite of annoy me - slightly obsessed with Gotye right now. Enjoy.