This Is How Good A Friend I Am.

My dear sweet lovely Mrs. BC from Mrs. BC's House of Chaos recently posted about bad timing during a, ummm ... ladybits doctor appointment.  It was hilarious and relatable and my post will be none of these things, probably; but I promised to post an equally horrific moment to tone hers down.  This is what you do for friends, you post personal embarrassing moments on the Internet.


*Warning - this deals with me at the ladybits doctor while pregnant with Mooch.  If the thought of vaginas makes you cringe just stop reading right now and go knit a damn shawl.  My MIL never says vagina, it's kind of freaky.  Not that I talk to her about vaginas that much, but once she volunteered to take Mooch to the potty when she was potty training and afterward she asked Mooch if she had wiped "down there" and Mooch was all like, 'Do you mean my vagina?'  And I could hear her being horrified from the other end of the house.  Hilarious.*


So I was super heavy duty pregnant with Mooch and due any day, and my sister S wanted to go to the doctor with me to hear Mooch's heartbeat.  Mooch was due November 3rd, and all during my summer of being pregnant with her I was looking forward to the cool fall weather.  And then the heat and humidity just kept going, obviously to fuck with me.  We would have a teaser cool day here and there, always on a day when I had dressed summery, but for the most part it felt like August all the way through September and some of October.  The day of my appointment it was in the 80s and humid.  And of course since everyone is rude there were no parking spaces even remotely close to the building and we had to walk for what felt like miles, and then the office was stuffy and hot and the receptionist goes Oh I couldn't turn the AC on today, just doesn't seem right in October and then S had to lead me away because I was prepared to throw a stapler at this idiot's stupid head.  We go back into the little examination room and the nurse weighs me and very nicely did not laugh or look shocked, then told me to strip and put on the butt-less gown for the exam.  

S had to actually help me onto the table, then we both laughed because I left my socks on.  We wait 5 minutes.  We wait 10 minutes.  S is looking flushed.  "Its' super hot and stuffy in here"  Me: "I HATE THIS PLACE!"  I thought I was going to die.  Finally my doctor came in, who annoys the hell out of me because she spends all day looking at cooch and still looks all prim and proper and not a hair out of place.  She does the usuals, then she does the cervix check (ugh) then she tells me I'm still not dilated any further blah blah blah, come back next week.  
She leaves and I heave myself up and stand up, and hear this tearing.  WTH?  S makes this weird snort/laugh noise, then busts up laughing with tears streaming down her cheeks, pointing.  
"The .... the ... pa ... paper ... it's, like ... DECOUPAGED to your ass!"
Yes.  The stupid examination table paper, plus the pleather examination table itself, plus the fact that it was hot as balls in there left me with a decoupaged ass.  I asked S if we should save it and make a bowl or planter out of it.  She started helping me peel it off and promised through tears of laughter, I will always peel paper off of your ass.
S just got married.  Her day is coming.  I'm bringing a camera.

Busy Weekends and Mystery Bugs

A big thank you to you all for your thoughts, support, emails, and comments.  It's not in my nature to pretend everything is fine when it isn't, I think it's a lot more productive to acknowledge what's going on and talk about it.  Airing my feelings here is giving me the courage I need to take necessary steps forward at home.

But enough of all that for now.  Mister has worked the last few weekends, and the minions and I have been exploring and playing and eating and (thankfully) napping!
Last weekend we went to the Brandywine Arts Festival.  Artist-types, musicians, and fair food?  Yes please!  I didn't take any pictures of what was being sold because the festival itself is huge - it took us almost 3 hours to negotiate most of it.  Everything from stunningly beautiful reclaimed wood furniture to stained glass to a woman who was writing on single grains of rice, then putting them in vials of oil to magnify the inscription.  It was so much fun.  The minions of course, were most impressed by the ice cream

Earlier that day Mooch started soccer

 The next day I wanted to just let the kids play in the backyard and relax.  No luck.  Cue neighborhood kids crashing our yard :

I love Butterbean's expression. 
I was inspired by the fall air and told the kids we could have a firepit and roast hot dogs and do s'mores.  Yeah.  Let's just say my fire-building skills need some work (I swear just last summer I was REALLY good at this!)  We ended up cooking the hot dogs inside then they ate them in their playhouse, and I managed a lil' bitty pathetic fire just big enough to roast our marshmallows over.  For SHAME.


This Saturday we went to the amazingly awesome Longwood Gardens.  If you are ever in the Philadelphia area, go here!  Pierre DuPont bought this land to preserve the trees that were on it, and built gorgeous fountains, conservatories, and grounds.  They always have fun events going on - concerts, fireworks shows, art exhibitions, all kinds of festivals.  They had an acrobat troupe from Australia called Strange Fruit, who performed on these flexible poles.  Hard to describe, but very cool.

That last chick was about a millimeter away from a wardrobe malfunction.  
After we watched the show (minus escaping boobehs) we went into the conservatory and looked around, then headed into the children's garden.  It features lots of fountains that the kids are encouraged to play with, lots of herbs and kid-size tunnels and cool sculpture.  Why I never remember to bring a change of shirts for the girls is beyond me - by the time we leave they're always soaked.  We ran into my aunt and uncle and her two kids, who are my kids age as well.  What can I say - my Grammom started having babies at 18, and had my aunt at 45.  She's only slightly older than me.
Girls with their "cousins"

Then yesterday we had Community Day here in town - another big festival, the girls and I walked around for 2 1/2 hours and had a blast.  But this week is going to remain under-scheduled and low key.  I need a break!


First ever contest here on this here blog.  *Trumpets* **Fireworks** *More Trumpets*  This weird creepy-crawly appeared on my back deck.  I love bugs, and I was thinking this was a grasshopper until I saw the thorn-thing sticking out of its ... scientific term here ... hooty area.

Like I said, I usually like bugs, but this one kind of scared the shit out of me.  I was waiting for it to fly up and attach itself to my face.  It looked like an alien.


OK, so contest is - be the first one to identify this buggy for me, and you will win a Halloween-themed prize that will rock your socks.  I have not googled this or looked it up, so it will be news to me.  Ready GO!!

All About Moi ... thanks Colleen!

Today was supposed to be the day ... the day I FINALLY posted some pictures of my grow-lamp setup with my happy little seeds. Rushed through the morning routine this morning and actually remembered to grab both my coffee and my camera - woohooo! Alas, I got to work and not only did my coffee have grounds at the bottom of it (we use a hemp re-usable filter, and it sometimes collapses in on itself) but I also forgot my cable for the camera to download pictures. Weinerschnitzle.

Then the lovely Colleen at Cheap Wine And Cookies posted this getting to know you post, and I realized you could all use a little useless trivia in your day. Read on, loves ...

Minutia Meme

Past:

Did you like school as a kid?

No.  I was a very dreamy, imaginative kid, and the schools that I went to were interested in shoving information down your throat and having you regurgitate it on a test.  My sister went to a charter school that followed Montessori teaching principles, and I know for a fact I would have had a different outlook on school if I had gone there.

What was your favorite make believe game?

My cousin and I were obsessed with making up very involved, soap opera-y games, all mainly based on the Danielle Steele novels we read on the sly.  They would go on for several days during our summertime visits, complete with painstakingly described visions of what our houses looked like, who are husbands were (1,2,3, and 4th husbands, that is), and how many kids we had. 

What was your first pet?

A three legged hamster named Cutie.  Who met an unfortunate end when my then 2 year old sister tried to "hug" him.

What clique did you belong to in high school?

I wasn't really in a clique.  I was a cheerleader, but I used to wear Doc Martens with my cheering skirt.  

What was your first car?

A 1986 VW Cabriolet, white.  LOVED that car, even though I got it in 1998, so it wasn't exactly in mint condition.  The convertible roof used to leak during rainstorms, and I literally had to bail it out.  So many good memories in that little car though!
 

What was the theme of your Sr. Prom?

I can't remember. I went with the boy who was my first little boyfriend in kindergarten - he showed up in a powder blue tuxedo with a ruffled shirt, top hat, and cane.  We had a blast.

Did you work while you were in high school?

Yes, at the retail store my mom managed.  I've been working since I was 14.

Where did you lose your virginity?  How old were you?

I was too young, that's as much as you need to know.  While I think waiting until marriage can be detrimental, there will be MANY talks with my girls about relating to a mate on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level before you introduce sex into a relationship.

Did you go to college?  Where?

Nope.  And I'm happy I didn't - I wasn't ready, and frankly it would have been a huge waste of money.  Instead, I've taken non-credit college courses on subjects that interest me while working.  Now, I am excited to go back to school, and I know what I would like to get my degree in.  (Plant & Soil Science)  I'm hoping to pass that excitement for learning onto my girls, so far - so good.

What did you study?

Your mom.

Did you get married?

Yes.

Did you marry your first love?

I was in a relationship that I thought was love, and maybe it was a form of love - but not a very healthy one.  I think marriage is always to a certain extent a of leap of faith.  I just thank the fates every day that I ended up with someone who, 10 years later, I still jump on every chance I get and has my same weird sense of humor.

Were you married when you lost your virginity?

No.  

Did you get divorced?

No.

Think back, what were you doing:

1 minute ago?

Pausing from answering this to write a stern email to my lovely research group - who apparently have been treating themselves to lunch on the University's dollar *grrrrrr*

1 hour ago?

Answering emails.

1 week ago?

Working and stressing about our upcoming review.

1 month ago?

Trying to get our family healthy again after Butterbean was hospitalized.

1 year ago?

Working at my old soul-sucking job and hoping to move elsewhere in the University.

5 years ago?

March of 2006 ... Mooch was five months old.  I was working at a restaurant as an administrative assistant, which I was told was a 30 hour a week position, yet I ended up working at least 50.  Needless to say I hated it.  I was pumping 3x a day and was overweight because I was terrified that if I lost weight too quickly my milk would dry up.  We were living in a 100 yr old farmhouse with a mouse problem, and the balance of our marriage was shifting after the atom bomb of having a baby.

10 years ago?

March of 2001 ... The Mister and I had been together for 4 months, and had basically never spent a day apart since the day we met.  I think it was right around this time when we both knew this was for real, and forever.  We were living in Massachusetts in a teeny little studio apartment, and I was working as an esthetician.

Present:

Do you have kids? How many?

Two

Were they planned?

Mooch, yes - we had one night that we actually said aloud, "Let's make a baby".  With Butterbean - we were planning on getting pregnant in the fall, and we had a trip planned to Myrtle Beach in late July as our last big bang before.  I found out the day before we left that I was pregnant.

Have you ever been divorced?

Repeater ...

Are you part of a blended family?

No.

Everyday:

What is your daily mode of transportation?

If it's very cold/rainy, I drive.  If it's above freezing and not raining, I ride my awesome purple beach cruiser.  I have a paved bike path that starts near our house and goes right by where I work, I'm spoiled.

What is your least favorite household chore?

Cleaning up after dinner.  I love making dinner, but by the time it's done and the kids have been played out and are in bed, I'm exhausted and I just want to sit with my feet up and a glass of wine and watch the History Channel.

What is on your bedside table?

Tons of books - I actually need to organize and possibly put in a shelf.  Also some printouts of herb meanings and moon planting guidelines, and my formative stage BOS.

Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

No.  I like it being quiet and focusing on just talking to each other when we're in there.  (And other stuff ....)

What is your morning routine?

On an ideal morning : wake up and go for a run, come home and fix breakfast for all, pack up lunches, make coffee, get everyone dressed, and get out the door myself having eaten breakfast.  

On most mornings : wake up either too early or too late, curse, have to clean up last night's dishes, make breakfast for ungrateful children who then begin their morning litany (I don't like that, this is gross, can I have a cookie, I don't want to go to school today) curse again, let dog out, let dog in, realize it is child's snack day, throw some graham crackers in a bag and hope for the best, fight everyone into getting dressed, leave for work to discover I have forgotten to eat, have no coffee, and have left my wallet at home.  Curse.

What does your favorite coffee cup look like?

One The Mister got me on a weekend away, from the "Life Is Good" company.  It has a yin/yang on it with a heart in the center and says "Harmony" underneath it, and it is pink.  I love it.

What is your getting home routine?

Walk in carrying purse/lunch bag/ groceries, let dog out, greet children (children ask for a cookie), start cleaning up the house since it looks like epileptic puppies have been running rampant.

What is your bedtime routine?

Read to anklebiters, tuck them in.  Wash my face, floss and brush my teeth, occasionally remember to prep coffee maker and pack lunches for tomorrow, and read until I fall asleep.  Unless as soon as I get in bed The Mister winks at me and gets up to lock the bedroom door.

What color is your bedroom? What color would you like it to be?

It is still white - we haven't had time to paint since we moved in.  I would love it to be a deep moss green.

Do you have/want any tattoos or piercings?

I have a Chinese character on the inside of each ankle, that stand for Buddha and dharma.

Do you drink?

Yes ... a day without wine is like a day without sunshine.

Do you smoke?

No.  And when people smoke around me I'm so effected by it I usually have to get away as quickly as possible.  My grandmother died from lung cancer, and she didn't smoke, but my grandfather smoked heavily in their house.  When we were cleaning their house I was shocked to see that the walls that I always thought were painted yellow were actually white, with years of nicotine built up on them.  Blech.

Do you swear?

Yup, I consider myself a black-belt.  Obviously I turn it off around the kiddos.

What do you sing in the shower?

I usually don't, but I have been singing Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" lately.  I'm obsessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw 

What do you think of your job?

I like it a lot.  I love that working within a University you are exposed to so many different fields of interest, and although faculty can be a pain in the ass, I love talking to people with so much passion about what they do.

Do you ever plan on changing careers?

Yes - as soon as the girls are older I will go back to school and hope to get a degree in Plant & Soil Science.  How I will use that - I would love to be an educator, and inspire others to think more about the choices they make.

Do you have a keychain?

Yes, and I need to replace it :-(  It's a Swiss Army knife, which every mother should have, but I've used the scissors and the knife to death.

Have you ever looked up an ex online?

Who hasn't?  The last one I found had gotten hugely fat (HAHAHAHAAA!!! ahem)

What is your Zodiac Sign? Does it fit you?

I'm an Aquarius ... we're generally described as over-sensitive, intuitive, high-strung, other-wordly, and independent.  So yes.  I googled Aquarius meanings and found this ..

In general, it is not true that all people who were born in this time are evil people. In fact, those with the Sun in Aquarius are sometimes «one set against many» against great odds or against an institution; for light are at enmity with darkness in the same way that lions are at enmity with hyenas.(link)

Hmmmmm ......

Piled Higher & Deeper

I work in academia and I'm spoiled, cause I work with really great people.  I came from a soul-sucking job (sorry Laura) with a Troll Boss and a big boss who may very well have been Satan's personal ball waxer, so as long as they didn't throw hot butter knives at me I would have been satisfied - but I walked into a great position.

However, there are drawbacks to any job.  

I work with a lot of PhDs.  Here's my theory, and it keeps proving itself again & again - at a certain point you become so book-smart that there is just not room in your head leftover for common sense, so it gets pushed right out.

Take yesterday.  None of my lovely PhD's showed up for a meeting that they were scheduled for.  There reasoning was I had just sent them an email about it, and they couldn't be expected to read their email, I guess - ?
Then a visitor who I had been in communication with missed his shuttle to the airport, despite having a confirmation email of where the shuttle was picking him up, at what time, contact #, etc.  

Just a few of the many, many incidents.  They can solve problems I cannot even fathom, they just can't work a can opener - that sort of thing.

For their own good, so they don't end up wandering into open manhole covers or getting on a bus headed to Tucson because they think it's a rocket ship, I think it's best if my department invests in one of these, don't you?