Hi, we're in ..... Delaware

Delaware is the second smallest state (behind Rhode Island), and the silver fox of the White House came from here:

Well, hey there.

 

But other than that we're not known for a lot.  But I am FURIOUSLY PROUD of our lil' state right now:

From Delaware Online:
Wilmington City Council sent a message to lawmakers everywhere Thursday night: It's time to hold men accountable for the well-being of their sperm.The council passed a resolution that asks state legislatures and U.S. Congress to enact laws that forbid men from destroying their semen.
For Loretta Walsh, the councilwoman who introduced the resolution, it's a way -- an admittedly "tongue-in-cheek" way -- to call attention to "the absurdity of men making health decisions for women."
Two weeks ago, at the last City Council meeting, Walsh railed against Virginia lawmakers pushing to require women to undergo ultrasounds before having an abortion. So upset over the issue, Walsh said, she stayed up until 3 a.m. drafting her resolution.
Michael A. Brown Sr., the lone Republican council member, wondered before the meeting if Walsh was "going overboard" or showing "bias" against Republican legislators.
"It was cute to some folks when she lashed out two weeks ago, but a lot of people I spoke to and [who] spoke to me said that wasn't funny," Brown said.
Walsh dressed entirely in red Thursday to show her anger and wore her mother's pearls to honor the woman who taught her to stand up for herself, she said.
"I am standing up for women in this city, I am standing up for women in this state and I am standing up for the women in this country," Walsh said.
The resolution, designed to address "equality" issues, said that lawmakers have not introduced similar legislation regarding men in the United States. If some lawmakers believe the female egg is "bestowed with all the rights of personhood," government should think the same of sperm, the resolution notes.
"[E]ach 'egg person' and each 'sperm person' should be deemed equal in the eyes of the government and be subject to the same laws and regulations as any other dependent minor and be protected against abuse, neglect or abandonment by the parent or guardian," according to the resolution.
"What's good for the gander is good for the goose," Walsh said.

How fantastic is this woman??
This the day after this misogynistic dinosaur

His picture makes my blog feel dirty ... and not in a good way

 called a birth control activist and law student a slut and said if she wanted contraception she should post a sex video on the internet. 
The same man who once requested Jenna Jameson send him all of her videos for "research purposes" and then called her a whore. 
Hmmm, Rush - you sure you didn't kill off any viable sperm cells during "research"??

Anywho, I do have some lovely garden pics to share but my camera's batteries died as I was trying to upload them, so I leave you Butterbean belly laughing her head off over a party blower.

What, you don't wear rain boots and jeans with your party dress??

You Know When ....

You know when your boss who has a PhD doesn't read an email that was sent to him?  And then something goes wrong because said boss did not read through that email?  And then somehow it becomes your fault for not marching into boss' office, email in hand, and demanding they listen carefully as you loudly read through email, stressing important points?  Yeah, that.
OK, focus on the positive - since it's so warm I planted radish, carrots, and dill yesterday, and my 3 rows of garlic are good and sprouted.  I pulled the wisps of Butterbean's hair up into pigtails today and they stuck straight out, she looked like Cindy Lou-Who.  Mooch said, Bean I love you even though you look ridiculous - let's start wishing for some real hair for you.  And it's Friday.  THANK THE BABY JEEBUS.

A Very Sad Poem

A poem for you:

Never have I forgotten
Your lips the last time they touched mine

Gone those days may be
In my soul indelibly etched.
And what now?
Not more time away from you.
Time is too cruel.
Sweetness, bittersweetness, I will take it all.

Again this want
Rapidly wearing down my resolve
Eroding every reason to say no

Tracing our timeline, right back to the beginning
Holding onto you in the only way I can
Entering into this new chapter, this new hope

Bittersweet love
End this indecision
Sun, drive away the shadows
Tell me I can never lose you.

***READ DOWN THE FIRST LETTERS***
*DISCLAIMER* First of all, I am a terrible poet.  Second of all, normally I wouldn't allow this kind of filth on my blog, but I lost a bet. :-)  I promise to go back to gardens and minions and being snarky tomorrow.

Make Granola, Not War

True story - I once worked at this super-fancy gym for a summer just because I wanted to be able to work out there for free.  Everyone who worked out there came in in designer work out clothes and full makeup and drove these gigantic SUV's.  Obviously I looked slightly out of place pulling up in my '01 Focus and running on the treadmill in stretched-out yoga pants.
I was working at the front desk and one day this family that looked like they had stepped out of a J. Crew catalogue came in and my coworker nudged me and pointed and the trophy-wife had "PINK TACO"* written across the ass of her pants.  I shit you not.  Her kids, who were behind her, were old enough to read.  When I recounted to the Mister he said I should have told her her pants were on backwards.  I LOVE THIS MAN.

 One of the Pilates teachers who worked there was always super cranky and the staff couldn't stand her.  One of my front desk bitches said this chick was on the "Master Cleanse".  Have you heard of this?  No?  Wikipedia, help us out, will you?

Master Cleanse is a modified juice fast that permits no food. There are three parts to the regimen. Each morning one drinks a cup of water with 2 teaspoons of salt or a cup of herbal laxative tea. This is followed by six to twelve lemonade drinks during the day. Finally, a cup of herbal laxative tea is taken in the evening. The lemonade is made from purified or spring water, fresh squeezed lemon juice, organic maple syrup and cayenne pepper. The alleged purpose is to "detoxify" the body and remove excess fat. The regimen is followed for a minimum of ten days.

Because nothing says I'm healthy and sexaaaayyy like having non-stop diarrhea and routinely fainting since all you're allowed to consume is cayenne pepper lemonade.  No wonder this woman was bitchy.  My regular talking voice would have been full-on yelling.

There are lots of cleanses out there and for the life of me I can't figure out why people are so into them.  Quick fix?  I guess - but you also gain back any weight you lose when you go back to eating regular food.  That they're even referred to as "cleanses" kills me - your body does a fine job of removing toxins itself, as long as you eat right.  When you attempt to "flush toxins" with an extreme diet you also upset the balance of good bacteria in your gut and leave your immune system compromised, and you can do serious damage to your digestion.  And you will probably be like Bitchnado Pilates Instructor and people won't want to be around you.  

  Instead, just make granola, ok?
My mama always made granola and we would eat it like cereal in the morning, and use it to top apple sauce and yogurt.  This is my own, loosely measured recipe.  I tend to use whatever I have on hand and once substituted finely chopped up apple for the dried fruit (I added it for the last 20 minutes so it would dehydrate) and it was extra good - the fruit juice means you don't need to use as much honey.

Mama's Granola 

3 c rolled oats
1/2 c each finely chopped almonds, walnuts, and pecans (or whatever nuts you have on hand)
1/2 c raw sunflower seeds
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/4 c water
1/4 c honey (or agave nectar for vegan version)
1 1/4 c dried fruit (raisins, blueberries, cranberries, goji berries, whatever you prefer) 

Preheat oven to 250.  On large rimmed baking sheet mix oats, nuts, sunflower seeds, cinnamon, and whole wheat flour.  In a small bowl whisk together water and honey.  This will be the "glue" to bind your granola a bit more.  Pour over oat mixture and toss well with a spatula.  Bake for 1 1/2 hrs, until granola is lightly toasted on top, tossing mixture every 20 minutes to toast evenly.  Add dried fruit for the last 5 minutes of baking.

This recipe makes a LOT of granola, but don't worry, I know two minions who can help if you don't finish it all.

 *The "Pink Taco" from what I gather is a bar in Florida that caters exclusively to assholes impressed by a vague vagina reference. 
 

Not Annoying Me: A Handy Users Guide

There I was, innocently sitting at me desk when Smelly Boss feels the need to give me a blow-by-blow, in-depth account of passing his kidney stone.  When he started using hand gestures I looked down and started furiously typing ("Agenda for NMAJIDGHSIUHFSIOUJIOWUIOWEUIR") and he still didn't get the hint. 
This man is repulsive on every sensory level.

I consider myself pretty patient but it is true that after Mooch was born my patience percentages are as follows:
90% - kids
5% - Mister
5% - the whole rest of the world

Feel free to copy and paste or respond with what annoys YOU.  Really, we are doing a public service and preventing violence.

Telling Me About Intestinal Distress, Tumors, Growths, And Other Gnarliness Unless I Have Specifically Asked

 I have two kids.  I've been puked on, peed on, etc.  This doesn't mean I want to hear about your stomach issues or your latest period.  The golden rule is unless you are so close to me that I've watched you pee in an alleyway behind a bar (ahem Anna) or have seriously offered to dispose of your ex-husband if need be (ahem Jen), I don't want to hear it. 
Offenders : S.B., Mister (dude I have to sleep with you), that girl in the changing room next to me at Target giving a blow-by-blow account over the phone of her latest OBGYN visit really loudly.

Trying To Reprimand My Children When I'm Standing Right There

  I can say that my kids aren't always perfect, but almost everyone who meets them remarks on what good manners they have.  This is because they know Mama will bite their heads off if they ever act like little shits in public.  I'm on the slightly old-school strict end of parenting - I don't beat them or anything obviously but they know I don't mess around.  Therefor if you are standing right next to me and one of my kids does something slightly off, you can bet I'm going to say something to them.  This is where you KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT.  Unless they are lighting off fireworks while smoking cigarettes while I am sitting back doing nothing, you don't correct other people's kids. 
**However** I admit I have corrected other people's kids in the following circumstances: kids at the park who have hit mine or done something else directly dangerous to mine while their mothers either were paying absolutely zero attention or didn't correct them. 
Offenders: several former friends (notice the "former" part), and my OWN FATHER!  Oh, old dude.

Being Overly Vocal About How Great Your Religion Is

These people come from EVERY religion and belief.  Unless I have asked you about your religion, which I wouldn't do unless I know you really well, please don't assume I want to know all about it complete with implications that I'm going to hell because I'm not in it and wow you better hurry and start going to my church RIGHT NOW.  If your religion is so great than show me how amazingly happy it makes you or how it inspires you to be a better person.  And please don't assume that because I don't talk about my beliefs, that I have none.  

Offenders: Several family members, several MOMS club members


This Could Make Up It's Own Post : Vague Bitchy Posts on FB

The vague threatening posts about how you always get revenge or about how someone better watch themselves make you look like a douchenozzle of the highest level.  Do. Not.
Offenders:  Too many, you guys.

Not Using Your Horn While Driving

Not all the time - but seriously that guy who didn't turn on the green light needs to know how wrong he is.  And as a Masshole driver it's widely acknowledged that I'm a better driver than 98.9% of the entire world, so I'm educating him.  He needs to know he's wrong and it's my job to tell him.  Some people who have forgotten this basic logic (The Mister) say that the horn is only for extreme situations but it doesn't matter because they are wrong.
Offenders: The Mister, that lady who didn't honk at that guy who waited til the last minute to get in the turning lane and cut her off.

Chewing With Your Mouth Open, Or Talking With Food In Your Mouth

My sisters are yelling "A-freaking-men!" at their screens right now.  I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it.  I swear to god I will stab you right in your stupid face with a fork, it's that icky to me.  *shudder*
Offenders: S.B. in a big, fat, disgusting way and way too many other people.  EWW.

Someone Who Doesn't Have Kids Complaining To Someone Who Does Have Kids About How Tired They Are

No, no you're not that tired, and I swear when you do have kids and you experience crushing exhaustion you'll want to go back and slap yourself in the face like I'm about to do right now.
Offenders: Every.  Freaking.  Grad student.

Saying "I Wish I Could Do _____"

Guess what - everyone has to learn almost everything.  Unless you dream of being an Olympic high-jumper but sadly have no legs.  Sorry but I don't think that can be fixed - or maybe it can, prosthetics are amazing these days.  No one is born knowing how to cook or garden or fix a tire.
 Offenders: Sadly, lots.

I am absolutely sure I will think of more - the learning never stops, people!
And now something that does the opposite of annoy me - slightly obsessed with Gotye right now.  Enjoy.

             
  

Where The Hell I've Been

Let's just not talk about the holidays and New Year's, mmkay?  It's not like they were super horribly awful, they just took effort this year.  Way to stay strong about being a douchebag right up until the end, 2011.  You can show yourself out, and take the multiple hospital visits with you.

I will give you this little gem, because what do you give the child who has ended up in the emergency room TWICE in her 2 1/2 years?

Obviously roller skates, right?
We also got a new pet right before the holidays - Mooch had been wanting a hamster since her friend got one.  I had hamsters growing up and I get why they're the "go-to" kids pet, since their poo is about as big as a grain of rice and they're all fluffy and cute.  But they're also assholes.  They bite and they're naturally nocturnal and if you wake them up to hold them (THIS IS WHY WE GOT YOU YOU FUCKING USELESS RODENT) they turn on you like Naomi Campbell and will mess you up.  No, hamsters - just no.
Wanting to be the super-awesome alpha mommy I obviously am (ahem) I told Mooch she had to research pets before she decided on one.  We googled "best pets for children" and the first two hits we got were about how hamsters are horrible pets for kids, and if you wanted to go the small animal route you should get a fancy rat. 
Sooooo ... meet Rachel the fancy rat.  Why is she fancy?  Because she isn't the type of rat who lives in a sewer.  By this definition, all of you are fancy humans.  You're welcome.

 

The rat is awesome.  She just hangs out on Mooch's lap, and when she walks around the rat perches on her shoulder.  The lady at the pet store has pet rats, and said that they're pretty happy with table scraps and chickweed, which we have in some of our flower beds.  We do give her rat pellets and timothy hay as well, but she loves any end parts of vegetables that would usually go right in the compost bin (except for plants in the cabbage family, which mess up their digestion)  We're keeping her a vegetarian so that we can compost the bedding that we change out of her cage, complete with droppings.  She is super clean and washes herself constantly, and only ever poops in one corner of her cage.  Rat's tails are somewhat prehensile, so she wraps it around your wrist when she's on your arm like in the picture above.  And the final point I'll bore your asses with on why you should get a pet rat - they are super cheap (around $5 usually) because the majority of them are sold as "feeder rats" to be fed to pet snakes.  Ewww, you guys.

 My little garden is STILL producing.  I pulled up the last of our beets a few weeks ago and roasted and pureed a bunch.  After one season of growing I'm a beet convert - my garden will never be without them.  Versatile and beautiful.  On January 2nd (!) I pulled up about half of what is left of our radishes

Another veggie I can't live without ever again.  Ridiculously easy to grow in these parts and so useful. 
I've planted 3 rows of garlic, one row of which has already sprouted since it's been so unseasonably warm.  My broccoli is still struggling along, and my kale plants were decimated when Zac decided to take out some digging frustration on that corner of the garden. 

I know he looks somewhat remorseful here - trust me, he's not.

I have more shit to say but honestly Smelly Boss is here and just heated up his lunch and my eyes are tearing up from the sheer disgusting RANKness of it.  Apparently yogurt fermented in a homeless man's asscrack is what's on the menu (and maybe cabbage?  What the FUCK is that smell???)  I have to go find something very important to do in another part of the building because blasting Pandora isn't getting him to close his door. 

Notes From A Crazy Woman

Ahhh, the weekend.  Time to relax, recharge ... and re-visit the ER with your hellion 2 1/2 year old.

Yup.  Saturday we went to a Christmas parade in my parents town with a bunch of friends (Mister was working mids and sleeping).  Had a great time, then headed back to my parents house for a bonfire and playtime.  The girls had 5 of their cousins and assorted friends to play with and were having a ball, so I let Butterbean miss her usual 2 hour afternoon nap.  Later on in the afternoon my cousin stopped by and we were sitting and talking and Butterbean ran out to the other room, then I heard a crash and she started crying.  I ran out and scooped her up - she had fallen off the arm of a chair she was sitting on and hit her head on a side table (we think, no one actually saw her fall)  When I picked her up my Mom said, "Oh, she's bleeding.  Oh wait, SHE'S REALLY BLEEDING."  There was trickle of blood on the back of her head, then the back of her head was soaked in blood.  My Dad was trying to convince me it wasn't that bad but I insisted on going to the ER to get her checked out, and she needed two staples to close the cut.  Mooch was there when we were leaving for the ER and was hysterical by the time we left, she cried so hard she broke out in hives.  My Mom said she kept saying, "Is she going to die?  They're going to have to keep her in the hospital again for 3 days!"  My cousin and her daughter stayed with my Mom and helped calm Mooch down, but she's still hovering around Butterbean and taking care of her.

So the Butterbean is fine.  And still ornery.  As evidenced when she called to me yesterday and said, "Mama watch THIS!" and jumped off the couch while I had a heart attack. 

20 days until Christmas, 15 days until Hannukah, 17 days until the Solstice.  I am fantastically unprepared as always.  Although I did get Mooch the scooter she asked for and Butterbean the roller skates she asked for, which in light of recent events seems like a profoundly bad idea.
*AND NOW FOR A RANT*
We do a "giving tree" every year at work - a tree decorated with paper ornaments, each one representing a child in need and what they want for the holidays.  You never see "I want a Wii"  the one I have is for a 23 month old girl who needs clothes, a jacket, scarf and mittens and wants a doll. 
Here's what kills me.  I work at a university.  An email went out to all employees in our department about the tree and the need for people to contribute.  Only one faculty member is participating.  Our admin staff, who make considerably less than these douchenozzles, are all participating, with one woman taking 3 ornaments for 3 different kids.  I would like to think that some of the faculty are participating in other charitable events, but I doubt it, and it makes me want to scream. 

Whatever you can afford to give back this year, please do.  The Bloggess is hosting another Christmas miracle this year, and if you were wondering about a good place to donate, she has great suggestions and you donate just by visiting her page.  So go forth and don't be douchenozzles, ok??

This Is How Good A Friend I Am.

My dear sweet lovely Mrs. BC from Mrs. BC's House of Chaos recently posted about bad timing during a, ummm ... ladybits doctor appointment.  It was hilarious and relatable and my post will be none of these things, probably; but I promised to post an equally horrific moment to tone hers down.  This is what you do for friends, you post personal embarrassing moments on the Internet.


*Warning - this deals with me at the ladybits doctor while pregnant with Mooch.  If the thought of vaginas makes you cringe just stop reading right now and go knit a damn shawl.  My MIL never says vagina, it's kind of freaky.  Not that I talk to her about vaginas that much, but once she volunteered to take Mooch to the potty when she was potty training and afterward she asked Mooch if she had wiped "down there" and Mooch was all like, 'Do you mean my vagina?'  And I could hear her being horrified from the other end of the house.  Hilarious.*


So I was super heavy duty pregnant with Mooch and due any day, and my sister S wanted to go to the doctor with me to hear Mooch's heartbeat.  Mooch was due November 3rd, and all during my summer of being pregnant with her I was looking forward to the cool fall weather.  And then the heat and humidity just kept going, obviously to fuck with me.  We would have a teaser cool day here and there, always on a day when I had dressed summery, but for the most part it felt like August all the way through September and some of October.  The day of my appointment it was in the 80s and humid.  And of course since everyone is rude there were no parking spaces even remotely close to the building and we had to walk for what felt like miles, and then the office was stuffy and hot and the receptionist goes Oh I couldn't turn the AC on today, just doesn't seem right in October and then S had to lead me away because I was prepared to throw a stapler at this idiot's stupid head.  We go back into the little examination room and the nurse weighs me and very nicely did not laugh or look shocked, then told me to strip and put on the butt-less gown for the exam.  

S had to actually help me onto the table, then we both laughed because I left my socks on.  We wait 5 minutes.  We wait 10 minutes.  S is looking flushed.  "Its' super hot and stuffy in here"  Me: "I HATE THIS PLACE!"  I thought I was going to die.  Finally my doctor came in, who annoys the hell out of me because she spends all day looking at cooch and still looks all prim and proper and not a hair out of place.  She does the usuals, then she does the cervix check (ugh) then she tells me I'm still not dilated any further blah blah blah, come back next week.  
She leaves and I heave myself up and stand up, and hear this tearing.  WTH?  S makes this weird snort/laugh noise, then busts up laughing with tears streaming down her cheeks, pointing.  
"The .... the ... pa ... paper ... it's, like ... DECOUPAGED to your ass!"
Yes.  The stupid examination table paper, plus the pleather examination table itself, plus the fact that it was hot as balls in there left me with a decoupaged ass.  I asked S if we should save it and make a bowl or planter out of it.  She started helping me peel it off and promised through tears of laughter, I will always peel paper off of your ass.
S just got married.  Her day is coming.  I'm bringing a camera.

Lobster Injustice, or Why I Am Now Boycotting Goodwill

First of all, I lost a follower.  Could it be that I have been crap about updating ... perhaps. 

So my good friend Das Bich (that would be The Bitch in German, this is an affectionate term) has got a case of the sads right now.  Her husband, The German, is interviewing for jobs in Germany since he can't find a good one here, and there is a possibility of him moving back. 
Yesterday I went to Goodwill to drop off a bunch of crap stuff I cleaned out of our spare room.  For some reason I walked in the front and then had to walk all the way through the store to get to where you drop stuff off.  And there he was - a 5 ft long stuffed lobster, draped over a toddler bed and staring at me, clearly saying, Buy me, I am only 4 freaking dollars.

1st foot of lobster - $1
2nd foot - $1
3rd foot - $1
4th foot - $1
5th foot - FREEEEEEE!!!!!

This was during my lunch break from work, and I walked over from my building, so I hauled him to the front and paid for him and then told them I would pick him up later.  I mean, what better way to tell a dear friend, "I care about you and support you during this difficult time" by anonymously leaving a giant stuffed lobster on their doorstep?!?!

I dashed back in the car after work to pick him up before picking up Mooch from school.  Front of the store - he wasn't there.  Annoyingly brain-dead employee says someone must have put him in the back - then the manager comes up and says, "No, we sold him.  There was no sold tag on it"
The FUCK??
How do you just sell someones stuffed lobster out from under them?  WHO DOES THAT?
Idiot saleboy apologizes, says "I guess you want your money back", and then offers a badly dressed panda in its place.  Like there could even be a comparison.
This, my friends, is the start of war.

Colleen from Cheap Wine and Cookies won the mystery bug contest, and will be receiving a pretty amazing Halloween themed package from me.  So Colleen, PM me your address, social security #, bra size, 1st grade teacher's name, and if you want to get in on a pretty sweet deal with this Saudi prince who's going to give me a lot of $$$, all your bank info.

The 'Bean

I smell the fowlers, Mama.

Little string bean.  She certainly doesn't get this skinny-ness from me.
So these would be my favorite pics of the week .... Least Favorite Thing, you ask?

Getting OLD

My elbow all of a sudden is all wonky if I type for too long.  My knees get all jacked up when I run.  And I woke up this morning feeling like I had been beaten - back sore, neck sore - and looked kind of like this:

 I'm exaggerating, obviously.  I was not wearing a cool sparkly tiara and I don't wear glasses.

F-ing aging, though - kiss my ass.  

Song I Can't Stop Singing:

If I Had A Gun by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds

 

Love, love, love.  It's giving me an Oasis fix.

I Can't Stop Eating:

Greens.  I'm experimenting with collard greens currently.  I'm determined to find a vegetarian preparation for them that is just as satisfying as the ham-hock version.  Stay tuned ...

I've also discovered Chia seeds.  They are the highest source of Omega-3's for any plant source and high in protein.  You can make chia pudding by soaking them in alt. milk with fruit - it's very filling, so make less than you think you should.  I also mixed the seeds in with the girls couscous the last time I made it.  Mooch: Mommy, what are these little brown things?  Me:  Faerie sprinkles.  Mooch: Cool!

True story - my kids will eat anything if I put the word "faerie" in front of it.  Mooch doesn't like taco shells, so I give her baby spinach and she rolls taco meat up in them and calls them "faerie sandwiches".  Raw spinach.  BOOM.

What I Made This Week:

Crap.  OK I didn't take a picture, but in one afternoon - nay, in about 2 freakin hours - I made an entirely new garden bed by our driveway, made entirely from plants Home Despot had thrown away.  2 rose bushes, mums, a holly (it's an Oriental holly, non-native - but it was FREE!), tarragon, and shasta daisy.  

Since I don't have pics of that though, here are pics of the seashell bouquet I made for my friends' wedding

(Ignore the kids crappy outdoor play table and the stained placemat - I was taking these to send to her in a rush.  The three boutonierres are in front)

She lost her son at 16 to suicide.  She started finding dimes all over the place and decided it was his way of telling her he was still there.  To this day, whenever she finds a dime she says they're from him ... so me and another friend attached a dime from his birth year to the bottom of the bouquet.

She had a gorgeous small wedding at their river side cottage at sunset.  

Rant Of the Week :

Ignorant hate mongers who start drama.  I'll leave it at that, since I'm trying to release that and move on.

What I Have To Do This Week:

I should probably fold the 2 baskets of laundry in my living room.  And maybe just for fun vacuum the floor, since we could reconstruct a scale model of our 100 lb dog out of the hair on the floor.  

PS  - Jury's still out on mystery insect, so feel free to add guesses!

And Then He Was Gone.

Our sweet Johnny Cash the bunny is gone.
I wish I could tell you we released him, healthy and strong back into the wild.  Instead we found him cold and still in his cage this morning.  He had been super cuddly yesterday, and The Mister said this morning he seemed a little lethargic to him.  He ate like a pro yesterday - but it was also the day we attempted to introduce solids (clover).  I don't know if it was too soon, or too much - I'm just sick with worry that something that we did caused him to suffer.  He was such a sweet little guy.  We have to break it to Mooch when she gets home from school today.

Rest in peace, Johnny Cash the bunny.  Our family loved you and I hope you're passing wasn't too painful.  I hope you know that we will never forget you, and that you've inspired me to never shoo another rabbit out of our garden.  I will miss your wiggly nose kisses, the feeling of you cuddling up to me to be fed, and even you jumping all the way up to my shoulder to be Pirate Parrot Bunny.  I hope that we gave you some comfort.

 

The One Where My Thoughts Come Rushing Towards You In A Horrifying Torrent.

I'm going to attempt to not comment on the weather, since we all know that it is hotter than satan's taint out there.  115 heat index here today.  

What I will comment on is - despite the evidence right SMACK in front of their noses (aka, the burning hot steering wheel, all vegetation burnt, food prices soaring) people are still not standing up for our Earth.  If I hear one more person deny global warming while sweat drips down the front of them I may have to re examine my "harm none" policy.  The Mister and I were discussing this last night and he said despite recycling containers being placed around his work, some people don't use them "on principle".

"On what FUCKING principle would that be, other than being an assmonkey?"
"Calm down.  *I* use them.  I'm just saying that some people don't, to make a point."
"To make the point that their mothers should have drown them at birth?  I'm not getting this."
"You know how people are, they think if they vote Republican then they should be against all that, Obama, etc."
"Do you shoot them?  Or maybe just Taser them.  One way or another, these people need the stupid knocked out of them."
"Yes, I shoot them.  For not recycling."
"Well it would certainly start working on overpopulation"


It's true, we solve many a world problem in our little house.


Our little house.  I'm trying to do grand things there.  I need to work on the interior, to get it all Mama-fabulous, so when I'm holed up in there during the winter dreaming about my garden, I can at least do it in a pretty place.  
Mooch will be back from vacation tomorrow and while I have missed her terribly, as has Butterbean and Daddy, the feeling is not mutual.  She could barely be convinced to come to the phone to talk to us, what with being on the boat within 5 ft of dolphins, swimming at the beach, and running my parents around like crazy. (SUCKAAAAHHHSSSS!!!)
And ... she is coming back to ... drum roll please ....
a completely re-vamped room!

OK, maybe not completely re-vamped - but I did paint one wall purple, her favorite color, and my artistically talented friend is coming over tonight to add a little flair to it.  I also got a gauzy canopy for her bed, and painted the little chair to match her vanity, and did some other cute stuff.  Pics to come soon.
When I envision the rest of the house, I see this -

Sigh.  One day.  Until then I'm re-working rooms one by one, trying to breathe a little more life into them.


The Mister has developed some sort of allergy to eggs, we think.  He has gotten violently ill the last 2 times he has had them, with me and the kids having the same eggs and feeling fine.  Have you ever heard of someone developing a food allergy at 40?  He has a doctors appointment next week to be referred to a gastroentorologist.  


Oh, and these little bastards have found my squash

The lovely squash bug.  I picked a zucchini the other day and it was covered with baby squash bugs, which made me shudder and squeal and throw the poor zucchini violently to the ground.  Which of course made no sense and probably let the little buggers crawl over to the next squash and keep going.  I'm not good at being surprised like that. *tangent time*


I had bought a bag of mulch at Home Despot and thrown it on the lawn next to the tree I was planning to mulch around until I got the kids to bed.  Got the kids down to nap, and came out to start working.  Picked up the bag of mulch and something fell off the back - a BABY BLACK SNAKE.  It was dead, it's little head crushed - so I must have thrown the bag right on it.  Ooops.  I personally am terrified of snakes but I would never intentionally hurt one.  
I took a shovel and flicked the snake into the street - then realized, if this was a baby, then potentially mama snake was somewhere nearby.  But I had to mulch around that damn tree.  I did the only logical thing you can do - I took a rake and poked it all around the base of the tree to make sure there were no more, then very tentatively started spreading the mulch and weeding, all the while ready to bolt if I saw any slithery things.  I was just about to reach for a weed when something moved, which later turned out to be one of my daylily leaves - and at the same time someone down the street slammed a car door.  I screamed and ran off my own lawn, into the street.  SEE???  No sense.  


In my defense, this post was labeled appropriately.

She's Leaving :-(

For 3 days ... my oldest baby ... will be at the beach, with her grandparents, but without ME.  Please excuse me while I throw myself a massive pity party.

My Moocher Poocher will be an hour and a half away, and I will have to deal.  And I don't like it.  I miss her big ol' lips already.

Paging Mr. Fudd

I see you, you little fucker.  You think it's funny to hang out in my garden, eating cabbages and such, and then when I catch you you just freeze and hope that I mistake you for a bunny statue?

 Don't you turn your cotton tail on me.  Look what you did to my zucchini blossoms!

 

I get that you need to eat too, but there is clover all over our damn lawn.  Yes my garden has delicious vegetables, but until you help me weed and water this bitch, they are MINE!!

 You know what I hear is delicious too?  Rabbit stew.  Mmmm mmmm mmm ... freshly killed bunnies.

 You're an asshole, bunny. 

Stupid Mars.

Yes, I KNOW it was in retrograde, no mistaking that fact yesterday.  Yesterday was a day of a whole bunch of little things going wrong, things you feel bad complaining about when there are worse things in the world, like earthquakes and hunger and Snooki.  But equally frustrating, nonetheless. 
First my bitchy aunt who swings by once a month made an appearance.  Then we were out of soy milk for my coffee, so I had to have cows milk which tastes awful to me.  Every single outfit I put on either looked like I was a broken-down hooker or like I had rolled in the donation bin at Salvation Army and come out with anything that stuck to me on. (no offense to Salvation Army)  I got to work and realized something that I was supposed to arrange last week had totally slipped my mind, and straightaway got railed at by my boss.  My boss is Chinese - he is a very nice man, but hygiene is not high on his list of priorities.  He routinely comes out of his office (which smells so bad I avoid going in there at all costs) with food in his mouth and talks to me, which is one of my pet peeves.  I am working with one of his grad students to plan an event we are holding in a few days, and yesterday we made a sight visit to meet with the conference staff.  "We can go in my car"  he said.
Oh please no.  No, no, no.
It looked innocent enough from the outside - your standard minivan.  Then the door slid open ... wood.  Why was there random pieces of wood in his car?  And then ... stains.  Stains everywhere.  Food everywhere.  I fought down a gag and mentally reminded myself I made it through 13 hours of labor, I can make it through a 10 minute car ride.  I got in while trying desperately to avoid touching any surfaces, pulled my coat around me and perched gingerly on the edge of the seat.  Goddess help me, I refused to put on a seat belt to avoid yet another filth-covered surface.  
Then I spotted it.  I pulled out my phone and texted my friend, who knows about Dirty Boss:
"In ***'s car and there's a FUCKING DIRTY BRA ON THE FLOOR!!!"

She, being a compassionate individual, texted back that I made her day, then reminded me that it was conceivable that him and his equally dirty wife had knocked boots in this very car.  Gag.
Somehow I made it through the meeting and the car ride back, and the minute I got out of the car decided that us being broke notwithstanding, I was treating myself to an overpriced Cosi salad.  As I reminded the Mister when I called him to relay my ordeal, I may have just contracted meningitis and this may very well be my last meal.
Of course I ran into two faculty on my way back into the building who absolutely had to stop me and talk (hello douchenozzles - I am lowly staff and I do have a limited lunch break) then finally, FINALLY made it back to my desk.  
Pandora Adele station on ... fancy crusty bread .... water bottle full ... and my salad.  My beautiful, yummy salad - wait.  What the hell?!?!!
They forgot my dressing.
I'm stopping for wine on the way home.