This Is How Good A Friend I Am.

My dear sweet lovely Mrs. BC from Mrs. BC's House of Chaos recently posted about bad timing during a, ummm ... ladybits doctor appointment.  It was hilarious and relatable and my post will be none of these things, probably; but I promised to post an equally horrific moment to tone hers down.  This is what you do for friends, you post personal embarrassing moments on the Internet.


*Warning - this deals with me at the ladybits doctor while pregnant with Mooch.  If the thought of vaginas makes you cringe just stop reading right now and go knit a damn shawl.  My MIL never says vagina, it's kind of freaky.  Not that I talk to her about vaginas that much, but once she volunteered to take Mooch to the potty when she was potty training and afterward she asked Mooch if she had wiped "down there" and Mooch was all like, 'Do you mean my vagina?'  And I could hear her being horrified from the other end of the house.  Hilarious.*


So I was super heavy duty pregnant with Mooch and due any day, and my sister S wanted to go to the doctor with me to hear Mooch's heartbeat.  Mooch was due November 3rd, and all during my summer of being pregnant with her I was looking forward to the cool fall weather.  And then the heat and humidity just kept going, obviously to fuck with me.  We would have a teaser cool day here and there, always on a day when I had dressed summery, but for the most part it felt like August all the way through September and some of October.  The day of my appointment it was in the 80s and humid.  And of course since everyone is rude there were no parking spaces even remotely close to the building and we had to walk for what felt like miles, and then the office was stuffy and hot and the receptionist goes Oh I couldn't turn the AC on today, just doesn't seem right in October and then S had to lead me away because I was prepared to throw a stapler at this idiot's stupid head.  We go back into the little examination room and the nurse weighs me and very nicely did not laugh or look shocked, then told me to strip and put on the butt-less gown for the exam.  

S had to actually help me onto the table, then we both laughed because I left my socks on.  We wait 5 minutes.  We wait 10 minutes.  S is looking flushed.  "Its' super hot and stuffy in here"  Me: "I HATE THIS PLACE!"  I thought I was going to die.  Finally my doctor came in, who annoys the hell out of me because she spends all day looking at cooch and still looks all prim and proper and not a hair out of place.  She does the usuals, then she does the cervix check (ugh) then she tells me I'm still not dilated any further blah blah blah, come back next week.  
She leaves and I heave myself up and stand up, and hear this tearing.  WTH?  S makes this weird snort/laugh noise, then busts up laughing with tears streaming down her cheeks, pointing.  
"The .... the ... pa ... paper ... it's, like ... DECOUPAGED to your ass!"
Yes.  The stupid examination table paper, plus the pleather examination table itself, plus the fact that it was hot as balls in there left me with a decoupaged ass.  I asked S if we should save it and make a bowl or planter out of it.  She started helping me peel it off and promised through tears of laughter, I will always peel paper off of your ass.
S just got married.  Her day is coming.  I'm bringing a camera.

These Are The Things Butterbean Says.

After Dinner Tonight While We're All Hanging Out:
BB: Here dat, guys?  Issa snake.
Me & Mooch: No, it's just crickets. (it's 80 degrees here today, sliding doors were open)
BB: No, guys - issa snake!  He's mad.  He wants cheese or heeeeeee's make a hurricane.

And, thinking it's a ploy, I hand her a piece of cheese and she throws it on the floor and cries while yelling, "It's for the SNAKE!!"

You know when you have your first and you think, ok, this is the kind of kid I make?  And then the 2nd comes along and just fucks with you?

Pony rides with the minions: Mooch smiles and gently pats her pony and asks the whole time when are we moving to a farm so she can have her own??  Butterbean shrieks with delight then keeps yelling, "Take off, rony!  Le's goooo!!!"  You know the rodeo clowns who taunt bulls then hop over shoddily constructed fences?  This is my child.

Before & After

Pretty cool.

Amazingly Awesome.  Didn't see the difference?  Here's a close-up:

Winter is coming, bitches.

It's Fall, Y'all

Remember mystery vine?  The one that sprouted out of our compost bin and creeped through the fence and started growing all over my neighbor's yard?  Because she is the nicest lady ever she didn't get upset, and actually said she was interested to see what it turned into.  When it started sprouting pumpkins I told her she should of course keep whatever pumpkins she got, but she insisted that the girls should have them. For some reason the ones that grew on our side of the fence are a weird shape, kind of butternut squash/pumpkin hybrid, but hers were perfectly formed "faerie tale" pumpkins.
Mooch was so excited to get to pick them.  Who needs a pumpkin patch when you've got a compost bin??

 I wanted a new fall wreath for the front door, but I'm picky.  We've all seen some of the fall themed ones on Pinterest, and some are cute but some are just .... not me.  Let's just say if it can be described as "cute" I'm not going to dig it.
I had this simple wreath frame I picked up at The Thrift Store That Shall Not Be Named

I found fake leaves and yummy smelling potpourri at the Dollar Store.  Brainstorm - some of the potpourri has interesting stuff in it, seedpods and herbs and such, that are really pretty, and this variety smells fall-y without being overpowering.

Of course I ended up being totally sucked in to the fall and Halloween decorations at the Dollar Store, which happens every year even though I swear this year will be different.  I turned a corner, and lo and behold ...

Is there anyone out there who DOESN'T need about a million of these?  I only got 2 and I'm kicking myself.  I want to cover the front of my house in them.  

The Mister came in and took a look and said jokingly, "Now you just need to put a 3rd eye on them!" and then saw how excited I got and immediately said, "That was a JOKE."

"But I'm so going to do that.  Best idea ever.  High five, craft buddy!"

"Don't do it.  People already think you're a witch"

"Too late, seed of brilliance planted."

And after a night of wine consumption and burning my fingers - again- with hot glue and catching up on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and the horrible realization that I think I don't hate Camille so much now) this is the beast:

 I love it.  I have a Halloween sign that I put up every year that says "Don't Make Me Use My Flying Monkeys" with a pair of witch's boots underneath it, but I do not want to take this down.  

I'm trying to harvest herbs and preserve them now.  (In all my spare time.  HA)  I did pull up my basil plants the other day, and made vegan basil/chive pesto that is pretty amazing.  My chives never flowered this year, which I think is because they were in too much shade, but I still have lots.

 Guess who won't take off her Halloween costume?

I did not measure (I don't really, ever) but here is an approximation:
Vegan Basil Chive Pesto
Approx. 3 c of basil leaves
A good handful of chives
1/4 c macadamia nuts
2 Tb pine nuts
olive oil
salt & pepper
1 clove garlic, crushed
Place macadamia nuts and pine nuts in food processor and process until it resembles coarse flour.  Add basil and chives, pulse until incorporated.  Add olive oil (about 1-2 Tb) salt & pepper to taste, and crushed garlic clove, pulse until completely combined.
And in closing, if you don't follow The Blogess, your life up until this moment has been completely wasted. 

Lobster Injustice, or Why I Am Now Boycotting Goodwill

First of all, I lost a follower.  Could it be that I have been crap about updating ... perhaps. 

So my good friend Das Bich (that would be The Bitch in German, this is an affectionate term) has got a case of the sads right now.  Her husband, The German, is interviewing for jobs in Germany since he can't find a good one here, and there is a possibility of him moving back. 
Yesterday I went to Goodwill to drop off a bunch of crap stuff I cleaned out of our spare room.  For some reason I walked in the front and then had to walk all the way through the store to get to where you drop stuff off.  And there he was - a 5 ft long stuffed lobster, draped over a toddler bed and staring at me, clearly saying, Buy me, I am only 4 freaking dollars.

1st foot of lobster - $1
2nd foot - $1
3rd foot - $1
4th foot - $1
5th foot - FREEEEEEE!!!!!

This was during my lunch break from work, and I walked over from my building, so I hauled him to the front and paid for him and then told them I would pick him up later.  I mean, what better way to tell a dear friend, "I care about you and support you during this difficult time" by anonymously leaving a giant stuffed lobster on their doorstep?!?!

I dashed back in the car after work to pick him up before picking up Mooch from school.  Front of the store - he wasn't there.  Annoyingly brain-dead employee says someone must have put him in the back - then the manager comes up and says, "No, we sold him.  There was no sold tag on it"
The FUCK??
How do you just sell someones stuffed lobster out from under them?  WHO DOES THAT?
Idiot saleboy apologizes, says "I guess you want your money back", and then offers a badly dressed panda in its place.  Like there could even be a comparison.
This, my friends, is the start of war.

Colleen from Cheap Wine and Cookies won the mystery bug contest, and will be receiving a pretty amazing Halloween themed package from me.  So Colleen, PM me your address, social security #, bra size, 1st grade teacher's name, and if you want to get in on a pretty sweet deal with this Saudi prince who's going to give me a lot of $$$, all your bank info.

So We Are Fishing On My Aunt's Dock ...

... and Butterbean casually says, "Mama, it's PULLING!!"  While fishing on her little bitty Disney Princess fishing rod.

Yup, bass.  Then I get it off her line and help her cast again, and she reels in a good size sunfish.  She's 2, and everyone else had been at it for a while and was not having any luck.

The 'Bean

I smell the fowlers, Mama.

Little string bean.  She certainly doesn't get this skinny-ness from me.
So these would be my favorite pics of the week .... Least Favorite Thing, you ask?

Getting OLD

My elbow all of a sudden is all wonky if I type for too long.  My knees get all jacked up when I run.  And I woke up this morning feeling like I had been beaten - back sore, neck sore - and looked kind of like this:

 I'm exaggerating, obviously.  I was not wearing a cool sparkly tiara and I don't wear glasses.

F-ing aging, though - kiss my ass.  

Song I Can't Stop Singing:

If I Had A Gun by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds

 

Love, love, love.  It's giving me an Oasis fix.

I Can't Stop Eating:

Greens.  I'm experimenting with collard greens currently.  I'm determined to find a vegetarian preparation for them that is just as satisfying as the ham-hock version.  Stay tuned ...

I've also discovered Chia seeds.  They are the highest source of Omega-3's for any plant source and high in protein.  You can make chia pudding by soaking them in alt. milk with fruit - it's very filling, so make less than you think you should.  I also mixed the seeds in with the girls couscous the last time I made it.  Mooch: Mommy, what are these little brown things?  Me:  Faerie sprinkles.  Mooch: Cool!

True story - my kids will eat anything if I put the word "faerie" in front of it.  Mooch doesn't like taco shells, so I give her baby spinach and she rolls taco meat up in them and calls them "faerie sandwiches".  Raw spinach.  BOOM.

What I Made This Week:

Crap.  OK I didn't take a picture, but in one afternoon - nay, in about 2 freakin hours - I made an entirely new garden bed by our driveway, made entirely from plants Home Despot had thrown away.  2 rose bushes, mums, a holly (it's an Oriental holly, non-native - but it was FREE!), tarragon, and shasta daisy.  

Since I don't have pics of that though, here are pics of the seashell bouquet I made for my friends' wedding

(Ignore the kids crappy outdoor play table and the stained placemat - I was taking these to send to her in a rush.  The three boutonierres are in front)

She lost her son at 16 to suicide.  She started finding dimes all over the place and decided it was his way of telling her he was still there.  To this day, whenever she finds a dime she says they're from him ... so me and another friend attached a dime from his birth year to the bottom of the bouquet.

She had a gorgeous small wedding at their river side cottage at sunset.  

Rant Of the Week :

Ignorant hate mongers who start drama.  I'll leave it at that, since I'm trying to release that and move on.

What I Have To Do This Week:

I should probably fold the 2 baskets of laundry in my living room.  And maybe just for fun vacuum the floor, since we could reconstruct a scale model of our 100 lb dog out of the hair on the floor.  

PS  - Jury's still out on mystery insect, so feel free to add guesses!