I've been trying to find a way to put this into the right words, and I'm going to do my best to muddle through. Things are ... not good. In an emotional and harmonious sense, between me and my husband. There wasn't some big event that triggered any of this, just a lot of little things that keep adding up that finally made me stop and think that maybe emotional maturity never truly develops for some people.
There is a realization that I am fighting really hard to keep things together and keep everyone else happy and cared for - and there is no one who is there to try for me. Don't get me wrong - my children are the absolute lights of my life and I love caring for them. I just wish my husband would put in even half the effort I do to keep our marriage happy and our lives running smoothly.
I'm tired. I can't stay in this situation, yet if I do anything, I'll hurt people I love. I can't stand that thought. My first thought is always for my kids - but how much longer can I stay with their father, barely speaking to each other; before it has a negative effect on them? Do I keep fighting my way through until they are older and may handle this better?
My very bad analogy for how this feels, this marriage - like a rusty old car that we keep patching up, sticking duct tape here and there, jump starting it, and hoping we can make it a little bit further. Is this how marriage is, sometimes?