Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not-So-Golden Silence

I've been trying to find a way to put this into the right words, and I'm going to do my best to muddle through.  Things are ... not good.  In an emotional and harmonious sense, between me and my husband.  There wasn't some big event that triggered any of this, just a lot of little things that keep adding up that finally made me stop and think that maybe emotional maturity never truly develops for some people.  

There is a realization that I am fighting really hard to keep things together and keep everyone else happy and cared for - and there is no one who is there to try for me.  Don't get me wrong - my children are the absolute lights of my life and I love caring for them.  I just wish my husband would put in even half the effort I do to keep our marriage happy and our lives running smoothly.

I'm tired.  I can't stay in this situation, yet if I do anything, I'll hurt people I love.  I can't stand that thought.  My first thought is always for my kids - but how much longer can I stay with their father, barely speaking to each other; before it has a negative effect on them?  Do I keep fighting my way through until they are older and may handle this better?  

My very bad analogy for how this feels, this marriage - like a rusty old car that we keep patching up, sticking duct tape here and there, jump starting it, and hoping we can make it a little bit further.  Is this how marriage is, sometimes?


  1. This is how my marriage is sometimes. I'm convinced that when a couple has children, hits the mid-life crisis stage and begins to re-evaluate their lives the shit hits the fan. It then becomes a conscious decision (which takes time) as to what is a deal breaker and what is not. Communication is a MUST as well as brutal honesty and a willingness to listen completely by both parties. Again, this was my situation. I'm still married but marriage is a total pain in the ass sometimes. I'm hoping once the kid gets a little older we can have that time alone and won't go through these periods of disconnect. Good luck and brace yourself for a journey.

  2. Thanks man. We may be heading (back to) counseling.

  3. Marriage sucks. It's hard work, it's low return on your effort and I've been at it for almost 40 years. But......and there is always a but, being divorced, or worse separated and still attached by children and a sense of those have to's is also very heart breaking.
    My husband and I have been down almost all the avenues of discontent that a couple can go through. There have been times when I just hate the fact that he is going to walk in the door. There are just as many times when I wonder how I could go through a day without him. We have learned to abide.
    My daughter who is living with us after being married for 8 years and in relationship for 12 years on the other hand had to leave her marriage to save her children and herself but still has to deal with the wanker.
    I don't know what is better with or without. But I do know that personal happiness ebbs and flows, relationships change and evolve. You will still have to be in relationship with him until your kids are grown.
    Sorry, wish I had an answer, if I did, I'd bottle it and be a gazillionaire. But I do wish you peace and will light a candle of personal insight for you and keep you there on my altar until you tell me differently. Oma Linda

  4. Linda you are such a wise Crone. You need to adopt me. But you have to share custody with YellowDog Granny : )

  5. Thank you, Linda! I'm trying to tell myself that it's just a phase - but we keep coming back to the same. damn. issues. againandagainandagain .....
    I feel like I'm raising a 3rd child. And it PISSES ME OFF that no one has ever taught him in his life that at some point you buck the fuck up and start acting like an adult.

  6. I have all grandsons, so I don't want to bash men. BUT (you knew this was coming, right?) they have this sense of self-importance that allows them to move through life doing and being whatever they want with little thought of the consequences for others. Women are the workers who patch things up, make things comfortable, worry about how things are doing and generally take care of the little group of humans we call "family." It seems sexist to break it down that way, but if women were perfectly honest, I do not know ONE who would say things are any different. In society today, we are so pressured to have these communicative, sexual lives where both participants are loving and engaged and able to mutually work out those little difficulties like his always slamming the door or always making YOUR birthday be about him (see Stabbity Thorn for how my day went yesterday)...
    Ah well, maybe it's just something in the Universe... but my stance on this is that dissatisfaction is not worth throwing it away (because, as Linda points out, that brings it's own set of problems). Instead we need to boldly move our lives in a direction that makes us happy -- be more like him -- and live how you wish to live.

  7. ((hugs)) my friend! I really hope you guys can work through it (or that he can start working at it along with you), because I think you two are amazing together and have made two beautiful amazing daughters!

  8. I don't have any advice or wisdom for you, but I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. I hope that the best will come of it, regardless of which road you decide to take in the end. Hugs.

  9. Without a doubt, marriage is hard. Sometimes it feels like the lows come more frequently than any highs.

  10. I find myself feeling the same way lately. Some days, I just look at my husband and wonder "What the hell have I done to my life?". Especially when he refuses to do anything for himself or our son because he works a part-time job 4-5 days a week. And he claims being a SAHM isn't a physically demanding job so I should have no reason to be tired some days. On those days, I have to just ignore him and do what makes me happy. Otherwise, I might end up killing him slowly with something that might not necessarily show up on a toxicology report. Marriage is hard, there's no doubt about it. Some days are better than others. I wish I could offer some good advice. I just hope you find some peace through everything you're going through.

  11. Hang in there, darlin.. just know that whatever you do, it'll be right for your kids. Them seeing you happy is what they need. Hugs


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