My dear sweet lovely Mrs. BC from Mrs. BC's House of Chaos recently posted about bad timing during a, ummm ... ladybits doctor appointment. It was hilarious and relatable and my post will be none of these things, probably; but I promised to post an equally horrific moment to tone hers down. This is what you do for friends, you post personal embarrassing moments on the Internet.
*Warning - this deals with me at the ladybits doctor while pregnant with Mooch. If the thought of vaginas makes you cringe just stop reading right now and go knit a damn shawl. My MIL never says vagina, it's kind of freaky. Not that I talk to her about vaginas that much, but once she volunteered to take Mooch to the potty when she was potty training and afterward she asked Mooch if she had wiped "down there" and Mooch was all like, 'Do you mean my vagina?' And I could hear her being horrified from the other end of the house. Hilarious.*
So I was super heavy duty pregnant with Mooch and due any day, and my sister S wanted to go to the doctor with me to hear Mooch's heartbeat. Mooch was due November 3rd, and all during my summer of being pregnant with her I was looking forward to the cool fall weather. And then the heat and humidity just kept going, obviously to fuck with me. We would have a teaser cool day here and there, always on a day when I had dressed summery, but for the most part it felt like August all the way through September and some of October. The day of my appointment it was in the 80s and humid. And of course since everyone is rude there were no parking spaces even remotely close to the building and we had to walk for what felt like miles, and then the office was stuffy and hot and the receptionist goes Oh I couldn't turn the AC on today, just doesn't seem right in October and then S had to lead me away because I was prepared to throw a stapler at this idiot's stupid head. We go back into the little examination room and the nurse weighs me and very nicely did not laugh or look shocked, then told me to strip and put on the butt-less gown for the exam.
S had to actually help me onto the table, then we both laughed because I left my socks on. We wait 5 minutes. We wait 10 minutes. S is looking flushed. "Its' super hot and stuffy in here" Me: "I HATE THIS PLACE!" I thought I was going to die. Finally my doctor came in, who annoys the hell out of me because she spends all day looking at cooch and still looks all prim and proper and not a hair out of place. She does the usuals, then she does the cervix check (ugh) then she tells me I'm still not dilated any further blah blah blah, come back next week.
She leaves and I heave myself up and stand up, and hear this tearing. WTH? S makes this weird snort/laugh noise, then busts up laughing with tears streaming down her cheeks, pointing.
"The .... the ... pa ... paper ... it's, like ... DECOUPAGED to your ass!"
Yes. The stupid examination table paper, plus the pleather examination table itself, plus the fact that it was hot as balls in there left me with a decoupaged ass. I asked S if we should save it and make a bowl or planter out of it. She started helping me peel it off and promised through tears of laughter, I will always peel paper off of your ass.
S just got married. Her day is coming. I'm bringing a camera.