Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Things That Make You Go .....

GO, go.

 1.) Wal-Mart.  Every. time.  The Mister thinks it's hilarious.  The minute we walk in the door and grab a cart:
Me: OK, so you take the kids and go look around, I'll meet you in a minute.
Him, smirking: Why?  What do you have to do?
Me: Stop talking so loud!  I'll just be a minute!
Me: Why did your parents ever encourage you to speak?!??
 2.) Card shopping.  I think it has something to do with the fact you have to walk around for a while and it always takes forever to find the right card.  If you see someone reading the cards over frantically while doing a weird little sideways dance, that's me.  Quietly point me towards the bathroom.

3.) Goodwill.  They have bathrooms, but heavens above - do you really want to use them?  And body, why must you always betray me so??
4.) The library.  True story : I had both kids in the kids section, which usually takes hours, and the urge struck.  The only bathroom was the kids one, with wee little potties that sat approximately 4 inches off the ground.  I hustled both kids in while they protested loudly about being dragged away from the books and toys ("Why do we have to come with you Mommy?" "Because YOU have to go potty!" "No, I don't, YOU DO!"  "Why did I ever encourage you to speak?!?")
 The bathroom was just one big stall with one potty, and as I tried to lock the door the dial twirled around without finding purchase on anything.  Yup, broken lock.  OK, well I know this will only take like 5 seconds.  I sit down and start to go as the kids pull yards of paper towels out of the holder - when the door flies open and in walks some soccer mom with one of those hideous Vera Bradley purses. 
"Oh!  Umm, sorry - just let us know when you're done!"  *Slams door shut*  Sadly there was no window to crawl out of with both kids, and it didn't seem like the ventilation system could handle the weight of 3 of us.  

Special thanks to Dark Mother and her ass, for reminding me that sometimes my ass has a mind of it's own.


  1. Holy fuckballs this was HILARIOUS! I have issues pooping away from home. Vacations are sometimes painful. Consider yourself lucky that your bowels have no borders.

  2. My sister has constipation issues and hates me for my little "problem"

  3. LOL I can only imagine. I do not share this problem because mine is the exact opposite. I have been known to shop or travel all day with out every stepping foot into a public bathroom. The give me the heeby jeebies.

  4. I can see the look on your face when Ms. Vera Bradley Purse opened the door. If that happens again just imagine poor me having to go in front of about 90 other women (no doors) No; not prison, boot camp. Just imaging me trying to do my business while a drill instructor is yelling "Move! Move! Move!" and grin ;-)

    Are you sure the vent couldn't handle the task? lol

  5. Thanks for the smile today...we have all been there :-)

  6. LOL...this is hilarious. Yes, I too inherited that poop humor gene. My problem is not pooping so much as the tiny bladder syndrome. Hubby says I know the size, condition and location of every bathroom in the state of Tennessee.

  7. hahahaha this is hysterical!! You are just like my sister lol she has to poop too in certain situations...she even poops when she laughs! Me on the otherhand is about peeing..I have to pee everywhere i go, doesn't matter if i just did before we left. It's inevitable! lol I had a laughing fit on a trampeline at my sisters 4th of July bbq and I peed all over the tramp infront of everyone at the bbq!!! My sister had to take me in the house and give me clean clothes! OMG UNREAL!! They still tease me about it. Great laugh, thanks :)

  8. my husband was a truck driver... i could hold it foreeeeeeever..... lol

  9. First, I have to second Magalay's comment. I went through the same thing. I used to try to wait until the middle of the night.

    Second, I have the same issue at work. I hate that my co-workers can come into the 2 stall bathroom while I'm going.

  10. My two-year-old nephew goes to the bathroom, no kidding, every single time he's in my sister's basement playing. It's a finished basement and serves as the "play room," so if he's having problems, she sends him down there to play and voila! Constipation solved! We haven't a clue why it happens; our best guess is he likes the privacy so finally lets loose!


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