1.) Wal-Mart. Every. time. The Mister thinks it's hilarious. The minute we walk in the door and grab a cart:
Me: OK, so you take the kids and go look around, I'll meet you in a minute.
Him, smirking: Why? What do you have to do?
Me: Stop talking so loud! I'll just be a minute!
Him, even louder: THE BATHROOMS ARE OVER THAT WAY, HONEY! DON'T WORRY IF IT TAKES A WHILE!
Me: Why did your parents ever encourage you to speak?!??
2.) Card shopping. I think it has something to do with the fact you have to walk around for a while and it always takes forever to find the right card. If you see someone reading the cards over frantically while doing a weird little sideways dance, that's me. Quietly point me towards the bathroom.
3.) Goodwill. They have bathrooms, but heavens above - do you really want to use them? And body, why must you always betray me so??
4.) The library. True story : I had both kids in the kids section, which usually takes hours, and the urge struck. The only bathroom was the kids one, with wee little potties that sat approximately 4 inches off the ground. I hustled both kids in while they protested loudly about being dragged away from the books and toys ("Why do we have to come with you Mommy?" "Because YOU have to go potty!" "No, I don't, YOU DO!" "Why did I ever encourage you to speak?!?")
The bathroom was just one big stall with one potty, and as I tried to lock the door the dial twirled around without finding purchase on anything. Yup, broken lock. OK, well I know this will only take like 5 seconds. I sit down and start to go as the kids pull yards of paper towels out of the holder - when the door flies open and in walks some soccer mom with one of those hideous Vera Bradley purses.
"Oh! Umm, sorry - just let us know when you're done!" *Slams door shut* Sadly there was no window to crawl out of with both kids, and it didn't seem like the ventilation system could handle the weight of 3 of us.
Special thanks to Dark Mother and her ass, for reminding me that sometimes my ass has a mind of it's own.